Seeing Blue

Its funny how friends will sacrifice your friendship

in a heart beat to find “love”. Its happened to me

time and time again and I honestly feel disgusted

by how selfish someone gets when they’ve 

found that “special someone”. I’ve had two relationships 

in my life and I can’t say i’ve done that because I didn’t have

friends to begin with anyway at the time.. just me, but I will make sure

the next time I do get into one that I’ll never abandon my friends, even if

they’ve chosen to abandon me…

I read something recently that gave me such profound nostalgia  that I was close to tears. I felt happy at first, then both anger and sadness filled my heart (sanger >.<) Honestly I hate it, i hate feeling this way. I thought to myself if someone asked me what I thought of you a year ago i’d praise till I had no words left. Sadly at the present, while i still think good of you, I think negatively first. I hate it. I hate where we are now….or should i say where you left me at. I don’t understand…i felt so close to you, i felt like you would always be THE FIRST to be there for me, you are here for me now.. somewhat.. just considerably less..and i don’t understand what I did, I sacrificed so much for you in a year you have no idea…or maybe you do…..       Before you were always the first to make sure I was okay or that I was happy and just you asking made me happy. Now i honestly don’t think you give a single fuck…you may make it look like you do so you don’t appear cold and uncaring to everybody else but to me, its you not giving a fuck. I Really I envy you in a way. I envy how easily you stopped giving a shit, how you moved on with out even thinking about it. And whenever i asked you why, you simply acted confused and seemingly ignorant of what you were doing to me which only confirmed you’re skill at not giving a shit. A skill that you forced me to learn if I wanted to stop wanting to kill myself constantly, but i never got it quite down pat the way you did. I’ve only been able to simulate it and fail which is obviously why i still think about it, because i failed. like always. The sad thing is, that when i try to talk to you about it, all you do is make me feel like the bad guy for even asking, its a bad combination: you have low self esteem i have low self esteem.. so i stopped trying, I’ve stopped trying for a while now, but ill never stop caring, i sadly can only pretend that i don’t and fail. Fail miserably.